Tag: #ahkamēyimok

Meditation

mdbelLeave a comment

I close my eyes and I feel the softness of the earth under my feet. My moccasins touching the soul of where my ancestors walked before me.

I breath in and listen to the quiet of the forest all around me. It’s quiet but noisy at the same time. I gear the birds and animals around me. I feel the peace and connection that my ancestors felt before me.

I open my eye and I see the beauty of this land. I see the clear water, I see the treas grown tall. I see the birds flying and the moose walking. I see the plants for healingand medicines and I know where I belong.

I feel the connection, so strong. I pray to my ancestors to ask Creator to help me and guide me. I pray that others see the beauty and blessing of our ancestors who walked this land. I pray so others may see their reflection and the beauty of the natural world.

Blessed

mdbelLeave a comment

In the morning the sun shines and reminds me I’ve been blessed to have another day. I greet you with a morning kiss and remember, I am blessed to spend another day with you. I breath in joy, happiness and hope and go about my day.

In the evening I express gratitude. I sit and reflect on how much I love you. I’m grateful to still be here. I’m grateful that I gain a new life everyday overcoming fear and remembering that you are with me too. I am grateful for every day experiences and blessings.

Hope

mdbelLeave a comment

Hope is powerful when you have it. So many experiences can diminish the hope that you have and it can be difficult to find it again. Being diagnosed with cancer can devastate your hope. It can be like having a candle and trying to keep it lit in a storm. You never know whats happening and you are never actually prepared for whats going to happen.

Recently I have had many people close to me diagnosed with cancer. It sometimes feels like it’s all around me and as if it’s so common. It feels like we all need hope in action. We can only do what we can to build hope in ourselves and in others.

There are so many thing to learn when you get diagnosed with cancer. It’s hard to figure it all out. There’s lots of information out there. It’s also difficult to know how accurate all that information is. Every time I hear about someone I know being diagnosed with cancer I feel my shock over again. Then I think about all the experiences they will be going through and I pray that they have a good outcome.

I walked in Ovarian Cancer Canada’s walk of hope. They say “Hope for change, hope for awareness and hope a cure.” This year will be my third year walking in it. I prefer to do a virtual, local walk instead of the large walk in Edmonton. I can walk with my friends and family. It makes me feel hopeful. The first year I walked I was still receiving chemotherapy. I could not walk very far. I set a goal for my second year, to walk at least 5 kms. I was able to do that. This year, I hope to walk at least the 5 kms again and perhaps further.

Walk of Hope 2021

I’m walking because I was diagnosed with stage 3B ovarian cancer on April 1, 2020. I was told I’m in remission on September 28th, 2020. It’s been an experience and a difficult journey. I thought that somehow being in remission would mean that I was better. That all the fears I struggled with would soon be gone. That’s not the reality. I have lingering affects from the chemo. I struggled to remove myself from the idea of having cancer.

I guess I’m kind of still living with cancer. I’m still receiving treatment because I have a BRAC1 gene mutation. This means that I’m at higher risk for recurrence or getting breast cancer. I’m currently taking a parp inhibitor, which to my understanding is a form of targeted therapy to prevent recurrence. Research shows its very effective.

Recently I started seeing information about living with and living beyond cancer. I guess living with cancer would be the diagnosis and the treatments. Living beyond cancer would be be after all your treatments are finished and seeing yourself as thriver not just a survivor. I plan to live beyond cancer.

The Warrior

mdbelLeave a comment

In 1990 when I was 18 there was a stand off in Oka. I watched the news every night worried for the people who were fighting for their land. I watched as the government criminalized the Indigenous people. I watched as racism raised its ugly head and hate filled the hearts of many people. I ended up writing this poem about the warriors that were fighting.

Tall, brave, defiant stand the young warrior. Praised by his people for his valor, fighting for his cause.

Yet people once friends now label him an enemy. Insulting things that they do not understand. They call him names and laugh in scorn at the proud warrior

“What is this they fights for?” they ask. “A piece of land, what possible meaning could it have?” They suggest to give up; for they believe it is a lost cause.

Still he, the warrior, remains resistant, standing with gun in hand, ready, waiting for the tanks to lumber across the land, his ancestral home. The burial ground of his grandfathers. That is why he fights.

He fights for that final resting place, his historic homeland. He, the warrior is fighting for something that belonged to his forefathers. His land by right, snatched from the hands of his predecessors. Into a corner his ancestors were pushed; now his generation comes out fighting.

His people were forgotten, pushed away until now. For now his people have taken a stand, wanting to get back what is rightfully theirs.

I wrote this on August 28, 1990 during the Oka stand off. For those who were on the front lines and those that were there in spirit.

We remember

mdbelLeave a comment

We remember when we used to walk free to gather medicines, hunt for food, have our ceremonies and raise our families.

We remember.

We remember when we were asked to share the places where we walked free as a nation, where our ancestors walked before.

We remember.

We remember when freedom was taken, and we were confined.

We remember.

We remember when our children were taken and we had to have permission to visit them.

We remember.

We remember when after we were confined we needed permission to pick berries, gather medicines, hunt for food and practice traditions.

We remember.

We remember these things, we know how it impacts us. We remember. Now it’s time you learn our history, our losses and acknowledge your gain. We remember, you should too.

We remember.

Etikwe, I suppose

mdbel3 Comments

Etikwe, I suppose. I’m not sure why this word popped into my mind, I suppose there are lots of reasons for it.

I think about how many different times I’ve heard this word in my life. Etikwe, I suppose it’s a lot.

Etikwe, it means I suppose or maybe just suppose. Awina etikwe, I don’t know who or maybe I wonder who depending on the context. I suppose I should talk pîskiskwêw to my dad about it.

I suppose I’m supposed to use it more. I guess I need to use the words in Cree as they pop into my mind.

Etikwe it is to remind me that there are words that I know and that I need to learn more.

So that I can pê-pîkiskwêw
Ekosi, that’s all my thoughts for now, etikwe

Truth and Reconciliation

mdbelLeave a comment
Generational Healing

I paint as an expression of what I feel that I cannot always explain with words. Sometimes these paintings come to me very clearly as this one did. I had been thinking about how much my family has been impacted by residential schools, how colonization has affected us and how these things are passed on generationally.

This painting represents how imposing blue quills has been on my family. There is a lot of intergenerational trauma because of it. We had multiple generations of family members attend this s hool.

Flowers represent medicines to me. The flowers are growing over the photos and bringing healing and change. Medicine comes in many forms.

The photo of blue quills is large because it had a huge impact. It’s not covered because it will never go away.

The smudge and eagle feather are clearing away the pain through reconnection to culture. Culture is medicine.

Each one of the flowers represents someone in my family. The purple ones are my dad and his siblings. The yellow ones represent myself and my siblings that’s why there are 5 of them. The orange ones are my parents grandchildren. The pink dots represent all of my cousins. The berries represent change and new growth. The sage also represents growth through healing. There are two photos of my family members as youth when they would’ve been in Blue Quills Indian Residential school

The background colours are there because of how this painting came me. Red is understood to be connected to healing, it is also understood to be the only colour that spirits can see.

Overall the painting is like a prayer for healing, separating my family from the school and the impact it’s trauma created.

The longest journey…

mdbelLeave a comment

The longest journey I took was the one to find hope. The longest journey is the one that I take as I try to remove myself from fear and depression. The longest journey is now as I stumble in the dark.

The longest journey is the one I travel from my mind to find the truth. The longest journey is to find the comfort of my heart.

The longest journey is mired in fear and darkness as I look for the light. The longest journey is the suffering and experience that comes before I rediscover the light.

The longest journey was realizing that I had been walking with my eyes closed. Upon that realization I opened my eyes and learned that hope was always within my reach, for there was always light on my journey.

Finding light on my path

It runs in the family

mdbel1 Comment

It runs in the family, terrible words to repeat but they need repeating. I knew that my dad’s sister, my aunt died from breast cancer. I knew his other sister had some kind of cancer and that she passed from it. I knew several of my cousins had cancer and passed from it and I knew that several of my dad’s cousins also had various cancers. That’s one side.

My mum’s mother, my grandmother had some kind of abdominal cancer that she died from before I was born. My mum had several aunts and cousins that also died from various abdominal cancers. My mum and her twin sister both survived colon cancer. Several of my cousins on my mum’s side have struggled  fought and survived cancer.

It runs in the family.

When you hear that you start to look at how many people in the family have had cancer. I knew these things and yet I hadn’t thought about it until I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  When I really looked at it, it kind of felt inevitable.  It runs in the family sounds like it’s fatal. It sounds like a bad thing. It forgets all the positives that exist too.

So what I’ve decided “it runs in the family” is going to mean to me is not something negative or awful or fatal.

Strength Sohkatisiwin

Strength is runs in the family. We’ve endured a lot of difficulty,  we’ve persevered and continued.

Hope Pakoseyimowin

Hope runs in the family. We keep going, we continue to fight, we keep trying.

Love Sâkihitowin

Love it runs in the family. We support each other. We are there for each other, we may disagree, we may live far from each other but our love is always there.

It runs in the family is all about how you choose to see what runs in the family. Yes our family has cancer but we also have strength, hope, love and we continue.

Ahkamēyimok, perseverance it runs in the family.

Gratitude

mdbel2 Comments
Sākihiso – love yourself

What a difference a year makes. I’ve been thinking about today since the beginning of September. A year ago today I had my last chemo treatment. I felt sick, really awful in fact. Most of the time I was napping 2x a day, I had all kinds of physical things going on in my body but I made it to the end of 6 treatments. I was bald and cold all the time.

Definitely there are improvements, like I’m in remission and I have hair. There are somethings that will stay with me for a long time like the neuropathy in my feet, the tiredness (although not as bad) and brain fog (there’s lots to that, no it’s not like menopause brain). All things considered that is a trade off I’m willing to make to still be here.

Being here means I get to hold my beautiful grandson and see his firsts. I get to be with my children and see them become amazing people. I get to be with my husband and listen to his silky jokes that make me laugh. I get to talk to my nieces and nephews and remind them how much they are loved. I get to still be around my parents and hold their hands, give them hugs and tell them I love them. I get to see my siblings, to tell them I love them and how important they are to me.

I get to visit with family, my cousins of which I have many and I love them deeply. I get to be around my friends, they are so important to me. Some of them I’ve had since I was a child and we can laugh and reminisce, rembering the adventures we had.

I get to enjoy the beauty of this world. It’s an amazing place. Nature is so healing and it renews my soul.

Hold onto those you love and those who are important in your life, they are the people who walk with you when times are tough and the ones who celebrate with you in the good times. Create beautiful memories and laughable moments and stay hopeful. ❤

#ovariancancersurvivor #ahkameyimok #ovariancancer #ovariancancerawareness #TEALSISTER #hope #soulhealing #healing