I never thought I would face cancer but at the same time I’m not entirely surprised either. My family has had quite a few people who have had cancer, some have won that battle, others have not.
It was a strange day to find out that I have ovarian cancer. I found out on April fools day. Part of me half expected the Dr to say just kidding but in reality I knew it was true. I was shocked to say the least and dismayed because it felt like a “now what” kind of situation.
I know that lots of people go through this and a lot of people get angry. I can’t say that I felt angry. I felt a lot of different things but not anger. Other people felt angry for me and maybe that’s why I didn’t get mad. I actually felt calm because now I knew what had been causing me so much pain for the past 2 months. I knew there would be appointments and tests and probably surgery. I had been through that with my mother a few years earlier. At this point the most difficult thing for me would be to tell my children. I know they’re adults but they are still my children and my natural instinct is to protect them from anything that would cause them pain, fear and upset. This I knew was not something I could prevent.
We had a lot of tears, feelings of devastation and worries about what next. Unfortunately I ended up with cancer in the middle of a pandemic. So we had to practice social distancing when all I wanted to do was hug my kids. I was suddenly at risk of so many things and left wondering what all this meant. Wondering what the lesson was in this experience and how long would it be before I could hug my children and comfort them.
Unfortunately when you get sick in a pandemic all the traditional things people do to help you through a rough time cannot happen. I couldn’t go and hug my parents and cry with them. I couldn’t hug my children to comfort them. I couldn’t see my brother, my sisters in law or any other family. I couldn’t visit my friends and feel like everything would be ok because everyone said so. I had to build my resolve by myself with my husband as my cheerleader. Yes I still talked to everyone and yes they still encouraged me, however things would’ve looked very different if there was no pandemic.
My first visit to the Cross Cancer Institute my husband was allowed to come with me. We found out that there would be surgery as soon as possible and everything moved so quickly. My head spun with all the information and it was difficult to keep it straight.
When it came time for surgery no one could come with me. I had to have my surgery on my own. Previously my family had been there before to comfort and help calm my worries. My husband could joke and help me feel less anxious. My family had been there when I woke up and helped to ask questions and listen to what I was being told. Not this time. I cried by myself waiting to go into surgery, I groggily awoke to a very nice nurse asking me all kinds of questions. It was strange. I was sent home as soon as possible to reduce risk of exposure.
The second time I went to the Cross to get my official diagnosis and hear the staging of my cancer my husband was not allowed to be with me. I sat listening to the doctor talk to me. She was very nice but I don’t remember anything that she said. Its a good thing that she gave me papers. I had high grade serous ovarian cancer and was at stage 3B. If she explained this to me I don’t remember. She did tell me that I would have 6 cycles of chemotherapy and that it would start as soon as possible.
My first chemotherapy was 4 weeks after my surgery. I struggled with how to prepare for this. What does one wear to chemotherapy? Yes that’s a dumb thought but really when you think of it, its a genuine question. Do you wear long sleeves or short? Do you wear something in case you feel hot? What if you are cold, what if you have to be there for a long time, how comfortably should I dress? What will happen, how long will it take, step by step what do they do to you in chemotherapy? Is it like the movies? What do you mean there’s different kinds?
When I read up on it there was so much information that I didn’t really know what to make of it. When I was scheduled for my chemo I went to chemo school the day before. I wish it had been a week before because I feel I would have been better prepared for the chemo or maybe not.
I had decided to wear a ribbon skirt to my chemo sessions. I had talked to my children and to several friends and family members. We talked about how traditional healing ceremonies have certain protocols and I decided to treat the chemo sessions like a ceremony. I would pray and go into chemo with a calm mind, with a feeling of love and acceptance. I committed to making a ribbon skirt for each one of the cycles.
Then the first cycle of chemotherapy, my husband wasn’t allowed in with me, again the pandemic dictated how all this was playing out, for my own safety and the safety of others there. I really had a moment where I felt so alone. I felt scared and confused and I really didn’t know what was going on. I took a deep breath and I prayed again. I decided to listen to a song one of my uncles had recorded called the grandmother song. I had my eyes closed and was singing along in my mind when I realized that I did not feel alone anymore. I could feel my grandmother beside me. It made me feel better and I felt calm again.
After the chemo was finished we drove the two and a half hours home. The after affects of chemo are NOT fun, but I got through it. Just as I got through all the rest of the chemotherapy cycles. I tried to carry the ideas of ahkameyimok and kiyam with me through each cycle and each experience. Ahkameyimok is the idea of to keep going and not giving up, at least that’s my understanding of it. It wasn’t always easy and a couple of times I had to wave a white flag because I felt totally done. My family and friends would encourage me and cheer me on. My husband would remind me each day is new and a bit bettering. My understanding of kiyam is the idea of letting things go that are not good for you and understanding that it’s going to be alright. For instance when you can’t control something you let go of that need to control it and allow yourself to know in the end it will be alright, that what’s meant to be will be.
I’m blessed to have some wonderful people in my life and I am so grateful to them. They listened when I was down, they encouraged me when I needed it, they helped me when I couldn’t do something, they prayed and went to ceremony for me. They are a gift in my life. They helped me through this unexpected battle and reminded me to have hope. I was stronger because of the people in my life. They all gave me hope and trust. They helped to live by ahkameyimok and kiyam.
Hope is a powerful ally, I had so much of it. I was continually encouraged and felt so much better because of my cheerleaders and encouragers. In all that has happened since April 1st; the diagnosis, surgery, 6 chemo cycles and of course the pandemic, I am still here. The cancer is in remission and I am continuing to walk this beautiful journey. I have hope and am at peace. Ahkameyimok
Sakaw Iskwew 