Family history

I’ve been told about my family’s history and told I should remember it, so I do. This is how we start.

In the beginning… we were here, we were here from time immemorial, from before colonization, before Canada and before the treaties. We come from people who were autonomous and independent. We had our own creation story, our own history, our own math and science. We hand our own medicines and medical practices. We educated ourselves. We took care of ourselves. We knew our history, our laws, and practiced our culture freely.  As time continued we experienced changes and made contact with new cultures and new ideas. We considered ourselves equal to these people. They did not consider us their equal and sought to exploit us.

We found the changes that were occurring were faster than we expected, and we were asked to enter into agreements to share the land.  So we entered into ceremony, prayed, and asked for guidance towards this end. In 1876, we were guided and therefore agreed to enter into a sacred treaty. This was done to benefit the people. We thought that because we we had entered into an agreement through Sacred Ceremony, that they would honour the sacredness and truth of the treaty. We thought they would follow through on their word to help us.

We did not agree to give up our independence, nor did we agree to give up who we were, our laws, our traditions, and our ways of being. We did not think they would continue to steal from us, not only taking all the land we agreed to share but also eventually our children. We did not think we would lose our autonomy, nor did we think we would be forced to give up our culture, language, and traditions to fit into another nations society. Their society.

So our family history is always told with the prefaced context of what happens next. This is the story of our family and its journey to now. It’s about how history has impacted us as best as I can tell. It’s about our relatives and who we come from. It’s the story of us.

Cancer….Why?

Cancer….why

So I asked

There was no answer, only silence

Again I asked

CANCER…why

Still no reply

In anger and frustration I yelled

CANCER….WHY

Still silence, no answers

I can only cry.

cancer….why

My tears fall. My heart is silently broken.

There are no answers, the fight begins and still I wonder why in the silence

Places of the heart

There are places that when you think of them, they evoke strong memories and feelings. They remind you of the first time you visited or the time you were there with your friends or when you first took your children there. They remind you of people, of events and times that have passed. These places when you think of them or visit them again bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart. These are the places of your heart.

One of the places of my heart, the lookout point at Churchill Park, AB.

Love and sorrow

Another round of chemotherapy

It has been a long 3 years since I was first diagnosed with stage 3B ovarian cancer. I’ve riden a Rollercoaster of emotions, and those who know me well know I’m not fond of rollercoasters, but you can not run away from it. You put your safety harness on and hope for the best.

During this time, I have had lots of family members also get diagnosed with cancer. It’s a scary place to be. You begin to live with a lot of sorrow. You feel like the darkest of darkness has swept around you, and you wonder if you will survive. Those people in your life tell you to fight the good fight, to be strong, to find the light and hope, and to remind you of how much they love you. All great messages. What we also need to remember is that it’s also ok to feel angry, to feel sadness or sorrow, and to wonder if things will ever go back to the way it was. There’s no such thing as negative emotions. It’s ok to feel your feelings. They’re only there to visit. They don’t need to stay. We need balance in our lives, and these feeling often balance themselves out in the end.

I think love and sorrow travel hand in hand.  It’s what brings joy into our lives. Without sorrow, you can not see the beauty that walks and exists around you. Sometimes, I think we get caught up in the sorrow and need people to show us the way back to love and show us how to see the beauty. It’s the nature of like. I also believe that when we don’t acknowledge what causes us sorrow, that’s when we begin to live in anger. As I’ve said many times to my lo ed ones, I don’t want to live in anger. However, it is ok to feel angry. I just believe that we acknowledge it and then move forward, returning to our love state of being. I know it sounds easy, but I also know it’s hard to do. 

So, as I sit here receiving the 6th chemotherapy for my remission (I’ve had 12 total now). I think of all I’ve learned through this process. I’ve learned that while I’m the one with cancer, all my loved ones are also going through this journey. I’ve learned a lot about my body and health. I’m grateful for a bunch of blessings. The medical people in my life and the medical discoveries over the many years of research. I am grateful for healing, even if it’s slow. I’m grateful for my family and friends who bring me light and love every day. I’m grateful to the Creator who gives me strength every day to keep going. I’m grateful to those who have dropped off meals to help us out. I am for the kindness of strangers who remind me that there is still love in a world full of sorrow. Most of all, I am grateful for my life with all its sorrows and all its love.

Kinanâskomitin, I am grateful, ahkamēyimok, keep going. Kiyam, let go, miyo-pimâtisiwin, it’s a good life. Live it in a beautiful way. Ekosimaka, that’s all for now.

Leaving things behind

Cancer is a scary experience. It will always sit with me. It’s changed how I am and how I approach things. It’s changed my body. It’s changed my mindset. It’s hard to keep up with it all. It’s also difficult to not be afraid that it will return. How does one leave behind the fear and anxiety of the possibility of death and the return of cancer.

When you get a diagnosis of cancer, it’s like getting kicked. You don’t really expect it even if you see the foot swinging. You anticipate the treatments. You wonder how all of it is going to affect you. You wonder about side effects and the future feels distant. Some people scream “fuck cancer” others become silent and still. Both ways of dealing with it have benefits and drawbacks.

Then if you are lucky enough to be told “you’re in remission” you are left with the question of now what. You’ve been so invested in fighting for your life that you now have to move forward and change that perspective.

Over the years I’ve had many conversations with friends about letting things go and living in the present. We have all shared advice with each other. There has been much wisdom shared, this is just some of it.

1. No matter what you do life changes, it brings change. You can either embrace it or run from it. Running doesn’t stop the change. It still happens, it’s better to figure out how to deal with it then let it happen to you.

2. If it’s not yours it’s not going to change.

3. The past is past, you had that experience. It taught you something, take the teaching and move forward.

4. You might be powerless in what happened, but you have power over how you react. Choose wisely.

So now that I sit here again with a recurrence of my cancer, I am again asking myself what now. I move forward, and I hope for a different future grateful for knowing more of what to expect and grateful for those people in my life who walk with me.

There’s a thread

There’s a thread that runs through through me that connects me to the past. It joins my ancestors to me and defines who I am. This thread of golden light hits me and twists through connection. Wrapping me in the love that they had when they prayed for the future.

There is a thread that joins me, strong as it is. This thread is through song and ceremony. It’s made of golden light and connects my ancestral past to me. The light heals, the light sends love, and the golden thread of light keeps me connected. It reminds me that my ancestors prayed for me.

What I took with me to chemotherapy today.

Today, I carried the love my children, my nosim, and husband have for me, it help me feel connected to all my reasons for healing.

Today, I carried my parents’ hope with me to remind me that I am always prayed for.

Today, I carried my brothers familys love for me, and it helped me to know it’s ok to feel sad because there are people there to pick me up.

Today, I carried my sisters with me when I went to chemo. I wore a ribbon skirt made by one. It brought the healing love that they freely give me. It reminded me to live life with ceremony, culture, and love.

Today, I carried with me my aunties and uncles prayers. These prayers and their love support all my family during difficult times.

Today, I carried with me my in-laws love and support for my family. I know they hold us close.

Today, I carried with me the love of my nieces and nephews. Their laughter and joy reminded me of life.

Today, I carried with me my friends comfort. This reminds me that I always have people to help me.

Today I brought ahkamēyimok with me. It is the feeling of perseverance, to not give up, and to keep going in spite of difficult times. I am grateful and blessed.

Kinanâskomitin

Do you see beauty?

Do you see the beauty of the snow as it sparkles in the moonlight?

Do you see the beauty of the falling rain in the evening?

Do you feel the peace in the midnight fog?

When you are surrounded by beauty and peace do you know it’s there?

“Tell me a story – Acimowin”

"Tell me a story"

Where I come from

I come from the land where trees surround me, and the sky is clear.

I come from the place where the lakes and rivers surround me.

I come from the land where my ancestors have walked before me.

I come from the place where my culture grew strong from time immemorial.

I come from the people of four directions, of medicines, of ceremony, of beauty, of loss, and of healing.

I come from the people who walked before me and for the people who will walk after me.

I come from the strength of spirit, and I continue to walk.

I come from here.