The going home snow, kewaytinok
Tell me about the going home snow, kewaytinok
The last snow before spring. One last moment to remind you to take a breath in the stillness of winter.
Tell me how the geese have returned and the birds sing. Kewaytinok
Tell me about life renewed.
Tell me about the going home snow and what it means.
Kewaytinok
I close my eyes and I feel the softness of the earth under my feet. My moccasins touching the soul of where my ancestors walked before me.
I breath in and listen to the quiet of the forest all around me. It’s quiet but noisy at the same time. I gear the birds and animals around me. I feel the peace and connection that my ancestors felt before me.
I open my eye and I see the beauty of this land. I see the clear water, I see the treas grown tall. I see the birds flying and the moose walking. I see the plants for healingand medicines and I know where I belong.
I feel the connection, so strong. I pray to my ancestors to ask Creator to help me and guide me. I pray that others see the beauty and blessing of our ancestors who walked this land. I pray so others may see their reflection and the beauty of the natural world.
In the morning the sun shines and reminds me I’ve been blessed to have another day. I greet you with a morning kiss and remember, I am blessed to spend another day with you. I breath in joy, happiness and hope and go about my day.
In the evening I express gratitude. I sit and reflect on how much I love you. I’m grateful to still be here. I’m grateful that I gain a new life everyday overcoming fear and remembering that you are with me too. I am grateful for every day experiences and blessings.
Hope is powerful when you have it. So many experiences can diminish the hope that you have and it can be difficult to find it again. Being diagnosed with cancer can devastate your hope. It can be like having a candle and trying to keep it lit in a storm. You never know whats happening and you are never actually prepared for whats going to happen.
Recently I have had many people close to me diagnosed with cancer. It sometimes feels like it’s all around me and as if it’s so common. It feels like we all need hope in action. We can only do what we can to build hope in ourselves and in others.
There are so many thing to learn when you get diagnosed with cancer. It’s hard to figure it all out. There’s lots of information out there. It’s also difficult to know how accurate all that information is. Every time I hear about someone I know being diagnosed with cancer I feel my shock over again. Then I think about all the experiences they will be going through and I pray that they have a good outcome.
I walked in Ovarian Cancer Canada’s walk of hope. They say “Hope for change, hope for awareness and hope a cure.” This year will be my third year walking in it. I prefer to do a virtual, local walk instead of the large walk in Edmonton. I can walk with my friends and family. It makes me feel hopeful. The first year I walked I was still receiving chemotherapy. I could not walk very far. I set a goal for my second year, to walk at least 5 kms. I was able to do that. This year, I hope to walk at least the 5 kms again and perhaps further.
I’m walking because I was diagnosed with stage 3B ovarian cancer on April 1, 2020. I was told I’m in remission on September 28th, 2020. It’s been an experience and a difficult journey. I thought that somehow being in remission would mean that I was better. That all the fears I struggled with would soon be gone. That’s not the reality. I have lingering affects from the chemo. I struggled to remove myself from the idea of having cancer.
I guess I’m kind of still living with cancer. I’m still receiving treatment because I have a BRAC1 gene mutation. This means that I’m at higher risk for recurrence or getting breast cancer. I’m currently taking a parp inhibitor, which to my understanding is a form of targeted therapy to prevent recurrence. Research shows its very effective.
Recently I started seeing information about living with and living beyond cancer. I guess living with cancer would be the diagnosis and the treatments. Living beyond cancer would be be after all your treatments are finished and seeing yourself as thriver not just a survivor. I plan to live beyond cancer.
Medicine has been gifted to people. Every culture has its own understandings of medicine and what that means. Medicine is learned, it is taught, it is lived. In Nehiyawak culture medicine can be plants, it can be ceremony, it can be spending time in nature or with others. The word medicine has many different meanings. In this way there are many different ways to seek healing. Medicine is what makes you better.
One summer several years ago we went camping at mile seven. My Aunt Alsena, my father’s first cousin, met us there. Our purpose in going there’s was to pick medicines, there are several different kinds in that area.
We had spent the afternoon picking medicines and auntie Alsena told us that her friend Diane was going to meet up with us. She had camped there with us before. When Dianne showed up she had brought sage and sweet grass with her.
We learned about creating sage bundles and sweetgrass braids. Once we finished making the braids and bundles we took them and hung them up to dry in the breeze off the lake.
Then we began to clean the roots and preparing the medicines. As we were cleaning the medicines, Dianne and auntie Alsena were telling stories of the medicines and how we got them. We learned how the medicinal plants were used and why we are so connected to the land. This connection itself is a form of medicine. Just being out on the land brings healing in various ways.
One of the medicines we learned about was spruce gum. This spruce gum is used as an antiseptic. It fights infection. It helps to hold skin together when someone is injured. It is used to treat colds and is added to other medicines. It can be used for food too.
We were told the story of the gift of spruce gum and how badger gave it to us. Badgers are fierce and dangerous animals. A long time ago they were very big, much larger than they are now. They were bigger than people, and they used to kill and hurt people. The people prayed to the Creator for help, because we are weak and we need help to survive. The Creator told badger to stop harming people. That did not happen. Eventually the Creator had to do something about badger. The people had chased two baby badgers up a tree. Creator told them that because badger had not respected the request to live peacefully they would be changed. They would no longer be bigger than the people, they would remain the size of their babies. They would provide help to the people through the warmth of their fur, etc. The baby badgers were grateful that the Creator allowed them to live and they promised to help the people. When they slid down the spruce tree their claws cut open the bark and the tree sap came out. The badgers told the people that this was their medicine that they were sharing it with the people as a way to make amends. They taught the people what its used for and how to use it. There are stories for all medicines. Storytelling helps you to remember the medicines and how and why they are used.
Auntie Alsena also told us about a man was lost in the bush for two weeks in the winter. His snowmobile ran out of gas and he tried to hike out of the bush. He got lost and ran out of food and water. To survive he ate spruce gum and drank melted snow to help sustain his body. He survived and was rescued. She told us all that spruce gum is full of vitamin c and will help us if we need it.
All of these activities were each a form of medicine. Each thing gave us something different to heal us. It balanced our spirits through the camping and story telling. It taught us ways to help ourselves in a crisis. We learned the medicinal properties and usage of plants. We laughed and found purpose in what we did. We built connections and created memories that will last a lifetime. All this is good medicine.
There is a great sadness within the people. This sadness is deep inside and though one may be happy there is still and unexplained sadness that over takes them. It is somehow diagnosed in the western world as depression but I think it is more than that. It is grief. This grief is profoundly deep. The wounds cut like a knife, it is a peoples grief.
This grief transcends time and experience. It is unknowingly passed down through the generations. We see it in the young people today. It is expressed through anger, gangs and violence. The young people have suffered a loss but are so unfamiliar with traditions that they do not know what they grieve for.
We do not provide tools to the young people because many of us do not know that we too are grieving. Grief in its classical description points to a profound and significant loss in ones life.
This loss is a loss of culture but is also more that cultural experiences. It is a profound loss of spirituality. It is the connection to spirit, to the Creator. This profound form of alienation has created a separation of the spiritual self from the physical self. It has caused the separation from the ability to grieve and recover. Elders tell you to pray. This is the first step in reconnection with self in the spiritual aspect.
It has been said by many different people of many different belief systems that prayer is a powerful thing. That connection to the Creator allows you to begin your journey home.
When you pray you begin to adopt a feeling/attitude of respect. This is because you know you are praying to someone who is greater than you. You acknowledge that you are unable to change things on your own and you know that you need the assistance of a being greater that you. The grandmothers and the grandfathers in that spiritual sense would be angels, beings that connect you to the Creator.
When you ask for help and guidance you begin to change how you react. Your respect in prayer translates to your life. You begin to show respect to others as well as yourself. This respect further translates to respect for the earth, who is likened to a mother because she provides for all her children, human and animal. Once this aspect of respect is received and learned the grieving process is started. Healing begins ad you are open to other lessons.
The sadness begins to lift. As you start your journey towards healing you begin to realize that the Creator has provided these experiences to you for a reason. You begin to realize that in every experience there is a lesson. It is simply finding it. Humility, thankfulness, love, compassion, all these experiences are then brought forward. The profound sadness that once touched your life, the sadness that you couldn’t explain, lifts. It sounds easier that it actually is because there are other processes involved too. There is forgiveness and letting go. This does not mean that you forget, it simply means that you treat others, who may have done wrong to you, with respect and love.
If you continue to hold anger and hate or unforgiveness in your heart it will continue to eat away at your spirit. Your spirit/soul will suffer. You will believe that only bad things happen and that there is no love for you. The Creator loves all the children, the Creator forgives mistakes and wrongs. If you approach this life you have been given with love then situations will become easier to deal with.
First is respect second is love, you cannot have love without also having respect. With love and forgiveness comes compassion. When someone deliberately tries to hurt you, you are able to recognize that their soul/spirit is in pain. Their pain is as profound as yours once was. Therefore you treat them with respect, love and compassion. They will see that you have a new perspective and are able to treat them in a way that is right and honest.
Your honesty may not be appreciated, depending on the depth of their pain. They maybe able to appreciate that you do not want anything, that you are not trying to manipulate the, that you are really and truly respecting them or they may not. Do not allow this to discourage you. Your living in truth. This truth is for your peace and balance and harmony not theirs. Your forgiveness is not conditional, it is for your own peace of mind. Bringing peace to yourself is a way to bring forgiveness to yourself as well as forgiveness to others.
The sadness may never be gone. In truth it may always be with you but it becomes a different kind of sadness. It is a sadness that you watch others still struggling with their pain. Pain is very powerful. It can rule a persons life for many years without them even realizing it. Out of pain violence is manifested, the pain of hurt, fear and anger. They feed the pain by allowing hate and anger to consume them. They numb their pain by self-medicating through addictions be it drugs or alcohol or lifestyles, they really don’t want to live.
To release the pain in their life you muse confront it with love and respect. These experiences have brought you to this place. It is up to you to choose where you will journey next. The Creator has given us freedom of choice. You can choose love or you can choose hate.
Freedom from the pain is through the acknowledgement of the loss. It is understanding your grief. Your loss is your experience, you can own it, listen to the truth of your loss. Speak to it, this sometimes means sharing your grief with others, sometimes it is through self-reflection ad meditation. It is your journey and only you can decide where to go.
In 1990 when I was 18 there was a stand off in Oka. I watched the news every night worried for the people who were fighting for their land. I watched as the government criminalized the Indigenous people. I watched as racism raised its ugly head and hate filled the hearts of many people. I ended up writing this poem about the warriors that were fighting.
Tall, brave, defiant stand the young warrior. Praised by his people for his valor, fighting for his cause.
Yet people once friends now label him an enemy. Insulting things that they do not understand. They call him names and laugh in scorn at the proud warrior
“What is this they fights for?” they ask. “A piece of land, what possible meaning could it have?” They suggest to give up; for they believe it is a lost cause.
Still he, the warrior, remains resistant, standing with gun in hand, ready, waiting for the tanks to lumber across the land, his ancestral home. The burial ground of his grandfathers. That is why he fights.
He fights for that final resting place, his historic homeland. He, the warrior is fighting for something that belonged to his forefathers. His land by right, snatched from the hands of his predecessors. Into a corner his ancestors were pushed; now his generation comes out fighting.
His people were forgotten, pushed away until now. For now his people have taken a stand, wanting to get back what is rightfully theirs.
I wrote this on August 28, 1990 during the Oka stand off. For those who were on the front lines and those that were there in spirit.
Etikwe, I suppose. I’m not sure why this word popped into my mind, I suppose there are lots of reasons for it.
I think about how many different times I’ve heard this word in my life. Etikwe, I suppose it’s a lot.
Etikwe, it means I suppose or maybe just suppose. Awina etikwe, I don’t know who or maybe I wonder who depending on the context. I suppose I should talk pîskiskwêw to my dad about it.
I suppose I’m supposed to use it more. I guess I need to use the words in Cree as they pop into my mind.
Etikwe it is to remind me that there are words that I know and that I need to learn more.
So that I can pê-pîkiskwêw
Ekosi, that’s all my thoughts for now, etikwe
It runs in the family, terrible words to repeat but they need repeating. I knew that my dad’s sister, my aunt died from breast cancer. I knew his other sister had some kind of cancer and that she passed from it. I knew several of my cousins had cancer and passed from it and I knew that several of my dad’s cousins also had various cancers. That’s one side.
My mum’s mother, my grandmother had some kind of abdominal cancer that she died from before I was born. My mum had several aunts and cousins that also died from various abdominal cancers. My mum and her twin sister both survived colon cancer. Several of my cousins on my mum’s side have struggled fought and survived cancer.
It runs in the family.
When you hear that you start to look at how many people in the family have had cancer. I knew these things and yet I hadn’t thought about it until I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. When I really looked at it, it kind of felt inevitable. It runs in the family sounds like it’s fatal. It sounds like a bad thing. It forgets all the positives that exist too.
So what I’ve decided “it runs in the family” is going to mean to me is not something negative or awful or fatal.
Strength Sohkatisiwin
Strength is runs in the family. We’ve endured a lot of difficulty, we’ve persevered and continued.
Hope Pakoseyimowin
Hope runs in the family. We keep going, we continue to fight, we keep trying.
Love Sâkihitowin
Love it runs in the family. We support each other. We are there for each other, we may disagree, we may live far from each other but our love is always there.
It runs in the family is all about how you choose to see what runs in the family. Yes our family has cancer but we also have strength, hope, love and we continue.
Ahkamēyimok, perseverance it runs in the family.
What a difference a year makes. I’ve been thinking about today since the beginning of September. A year ago today I had my last chemo treatment. I felt sick, really awful in fact. Most of the time I was napping 2x a day, I had all kinds of physical things going on in my body but I made it to the end of 6 treatments. I was bald and cold all the time.
Definitely there are improvements, like I’m in remission and I have hair. There are somethings that will stay with me for a long time like the neuropathy in my feet, the tiredness (although not as bad) and brain fog (there’s lots to that, no it’s not like menopause brain). All things considered that is a trade off I’m willing to make to still be here.
Being here means I get to hold my beautiful grandson and see his firsts. I get to be with my children and see them become amazing people. I get to be with my husband and listen to his silky jokes that make me laugh. I get to talk to my nieces and nephews and remind them how much they are loved. I get to still be around my parents and hold their hands, give them hugs and tell them I love them. I get to see my siblings, to tell them I love them and how important they are to me.
I get to visit with family, my cousins of which I have many and I love them deeply. I get to be around my friends, they are so important to me. Some of them I’ve had since I was a child and we can laugh and reminisce, rembering the adventures we had.
I get to enjoy the beauty of this world. It’s an amazing place. Nature is so healing and it renews my soul.
Hold onto those you love and those who are important in your life, they are the people who walk with you when times are tough and the ones who celebrate with you in the good times. Create beautiful memories and laughable moments and stay hopeful. ❤
#ovariancancersurvivor #ahkameyimok #ovariancancer #ovariancancerawareness #TEALSISTER #hope #soulhealing #healing
Sakaw Iskwew 