Tag: hope
What happens next?
Next is always there. Something happens, whether it’s good or bad and I’m left wondering what happens next. It makes me feel anxious.
What happens next?
It seems like a lot.
Every choice I make leads me to new consequences, they can be good, bad or completely unexpected. I’m always wondering, ok…what now? What happens next? Do I want to journey down this path? What do I do? Did I make the right choice? What happens next?
Pause….
Take a breath….
Now
I choose to stand in this moment and live in this moment. I cannot control the future; all I can do is choose where I put my next step. Each choice, each step, a single moment, then another and another. It’s now. I have to let go of what next and live in what’s happening now.
So….what is happening now?
Pause…breathe
How am I feeling now?
Pause…breathe
What can I do now?
Pause…breathe
Breathe in calm and choose to live now instead of worrying about what happens next.
Changes
Everything changes. Sometimes we are prepared for it and other times it takes us by surprise. As we age we change and the life around us changes. Those we know age and pass, friends move or become distant, we add new people to our lives. There is constant change around us.
I think about all the people from my childhood who are no longer here. I think about what they meant to me, who was important to me and the reasons why. I think about how time changed them and how they aged. I think about the last times I saw them and try to remember what my last words were to them or the sound of their voice. It’s like a sound that’s far away and indistinguishable from the static of time past.
Everything changes, even memories. Moments that were happy and bright begin to fade unless we write down those precious memories and tell their stories. Stories help, photos help and still life grows and changes so we continue to tell new stories and we remember the good old days. We become surprised about what we remember and all the changes we’ve experienced along the way.
Hope
HOPE.
That little light far off in the distance.
HOPE.
The light in the night sky.
HOPE.
I need to move towards it. That’s my hope.
It’s very dark.
My hope is a beacon in this darkness. I move closer still. My hope is getting brighter.
The darkness still surrounds. Yet I still see that light.
It burns brighter and whispers “I am here”
Hope
I move closer, I’m trying to reach out, trying to grasp a hold of the light in the darkness.
I hope.
Hope tells me “you are not alone” – Hope says “I am here. “
Suddenly, I realize that the light isn’t far away. Suddenly, I realize that the light was always with me. I just didn’t know that the light was always shining within me.
HOPE
Hope shines and it radiates out. It is light. The darkness is diminished. Hope is bright and it radiates from me.
Hope is love. I grasp a hold of my hope.
HOPE
Reflections on Grief and the Journey to Ones True Self
There is sadness within the people. This is deep inside and even though one maybe happy there is still an unexplained sadness that over takes them. It is sometimes diagnosed in the western world as depression but I think it is more that that. It is grief. This grief is profoundly deep. The wounds cut like a knife; it is a people’s grief.
This grief transcends time and experience. It is unknowingly passed down through the generations. We see it in the young people today. It is expressed through anger, gangs, and violence. The young people have suffered a loss but they are so unfamiliar with traditions that they do not know for what they grieve. We do not provide the tools to the young people because many of us do not know that we too are grieving.
Grief in its classical description points to a profound and significant loss in ones life. This loss would be a loss of culture but is also more than cultural experiences. It is a profound loss of spirituality. It is the connection to the spirit, to the Creator. This profound form of alienation has created a separation of the spiritual self from the physical self. It has caused the separation from the ability to grieve and recover. Elders will tell you to pray. This is the first step in reconnecting with self in the spiritual aspect.
It has been said by many different people of many different belief systems, that prayer is a powerful thing. That connection to the Creator allows you to begin your journey home.
When you pray you begin to adopt a feeling/attitude of respect. This is because you are praying to someone who is greater than you. You acknowledge that you are unable to change things on your own and you know that you need the assistance of a being greater than you. The Grandfathers and the Grandmothers in that spiritual sense would be Angels; beings that connect you to the Creator. When you ask for help and guidance you begin to change how you react. Your respect in prayer translates to your life. You begin to show respect to others as well as yourself. This respect further translates to respect for the earth who is liked to a mother because she provides for all her children, human and animal. Once this aspect of respect is recovered and learned the grieving process is started. Healing begins, and you are open to other lessons.
The sadness begins to lift. As you start your journey towards healing you begin to realize that the Creator has provided these experiences to you for a reason. You begin to realize that in every experience there is a lesson. It is simply finding it. Humility, thankfulness, love, compassion; all these experiences are brought forward. The profound sadness that once touched your life, the sadness that you couldn’t explain lifts. It sounds easier than it actually is because there are other processes involved too. There is forgiveness and letting go. This does not mean that you forget, it simply means that you treat others who may have done wrong to you with respect and love. If you continue to hold anger, hate (unforgiveness) in your heart it will continue to eat away at your spirit. Your spirit (soul) will suffer. You will believe that only bad things happen and that there is no love for you. The Creator loves all the children; the Creator forgives mistakes and wrongs. If you approach this life you have been given with love then situations will become easier to deal with.
First is respect, second is love. You cannot have love without also having respect. With love and forgiveness comes compassion. When someone deliberately tries to hurt you, you are able to recognise that his or her soul/spirit is in pain. Their pain is profound as yours once was. Therefore you treat them with respect, love and compassion. They will see that you have a new perspective and are able to treat them is a way that is right and honest. Your honesty may not be appreciated, depending on the depth of their pain. They may not be able to appreciate that you do not want anything, that you are not trying to manipulate them, that you are really and truly respecting them. Do not allow this to discourage you. You are living in truth. This truth is for your peace and balance and harmony not theirs. Your forgiveness is not conditional; it is for your own peace of mind. Bringing peace to yourself is a way to bring forgiveness to yourself as well as forgiveness to others.
The sadness may never be gone. In truth it may always be with you but it becomes a different kind of sadness. It is a sadness that you watch others still struggling with their pain. Pain is very powerful. It can rule a person’s life for many years without them even realizing it. You feed your pain by allowing hate and anger to consume you. You numb your pain by self-medicating through addictions be it drug, alcohol or lifestyles that you really don’t want to live. To release the pain, you must confront it with love and respect. These experiences have brought you to this place. It is up to you to choose where you will journey next. The Creator has given us this freedom of choice. You can choose love or you can choose hate. Freedom from the pain is through the acknowledgement of your loss. It is understanding your grief. Listen to the truth of your loss, speak to it, this sometimes means sharing your grief with others, sometimes it is through self-reflection and meditation. It is your journey and only you can decide where to go.
Madeline Belanger, March 2007 ©
Old hands
There is something beautiful about old hands. I never really noticed them before. I don’t really remember my grandparents hands. It wasn’t until I saw a photo that one of my cousins took of her mother’s hands kneading bannock dough, that I started to think about it. Sheryl said it was one of her favorite photos of her mom. She said it connects to happy memories of her mother.
Her mother had been gone for about a year when we talked about the picture. I asked her what had made her take the photo, she told me that she always wanted to remember her mother’s hands. That thought sat with me, it really resonated. I thought about how soft my mother’s skin has gotten over time. I thought about how her hands have changed.
I hadn’t thought about how many times my mothers hands had comforted me or all the items she had held as she handed them to me. As I think about all the times I held my mothers hands, all the times she rubbed my back and all the times she grabbed a hold of me and told me not to worry, and all the times she said she loved me. I realize how precious my mothers hands are to me. I realized exactly why my cousin would want a photo of her mothers hands. The hands of my mother represent all the love and security she has for me.
An unexpected journey
I never thought I would face cancer but at the same time I’m not entirely surprised either. My family has had quite a few people who have had cancer, some have won that battle, others have not.
It was a strange day to find out that I have ovarian cancer. I found out on April fools day. Part of me half expected the Dr to say just kidding but in reality I knew it was true. I was shocked to say the least and dismayed because it felt like a “now what” kind of situation.
I know that lots of people go through this and a lot of people get angry. I can’t say that I felt angry. I felt a lot of different things but not anger. Other people felt angry for me and maybe that’s why I didn’t get mad. I actually felt calm because now I knew what had been causing me so much pain for the past 2 months. I knew there would be appointments and tests and probably surgery. I had been through that with my mother a few years earlier. At this point the most difficult thing for me would be to tell my children. I know they’re adults but they are still my children and my natural instinct is to protect them from anything that would cause them pain, fear and upset. This I knew was not something I could prevent.
We had a lot of tears, feelings of devastation and worries about what next. Unfortunately I ended up with cancer in the middle of a pandemic. So we had to practice social distancing when all I wanted to do was hug my kids. I was suddenly at risk of so many things and left wondering what all this meant. Wondering what the lesson was in this experience and how long would it be before I could hug my children and comfort them.
Unfortunately when you get sick in a pandemic all the traditional things people do to help you through a rough time cannot happen. I couldn’t go and hug my parents and cry with them. I couldn’t hug my children to comfort them. I couldn’t see my brother, my sisters in law or any other family. I couldn’t visit my friends and feel like everything would be ok because everyone said so. I had to build my resolve by myself with my husband as my cheerleader. Yes I still talked to everyone and yes they still encouraged me, however things would’ve looked very different if there was no pandemic.
My first visit to the Cross Cancer Institute my husband was allowed to come with me. We found out that there would be surgery as soon as possible and everything moved so quickly. My head spun with all the information and it was difficult to keep it straight.
When it came time for surgery no one could come with me. I had to have my surgery on my own. Previously my family had been there before to comfort and help calm my worries. My husband could joke and help me feel less anxious. My family had been there when I woke up and helped to ask questions and listen to what I was being told. Not this time. I cried by myself waiting to go into surgery, I groggily awoke to a very nice nurse asking me all kinds of questions. It was strange. I was sent home as soon as possible to reduce risk of exposure.
The second time I went to the Cross to get my official diagnosis and hear the staging of my cancer my husband was not allowed to be with me. I sat listening to the doctor talk to me. She was very nice but I don’t remember anything that she said. Its a good thing that she gave me papers. I had high grade serous ovarian cancer and was at stage 3B. If she explained this to me I don’t remember. She did tell me that I would have 6 cycles of chemotherapy and that it would start as soon as possible.
My first chemotherapy was 4 weeks after my surgery. I struggled with how to prepare for this. What does one wear to chemotherapy? Yes that’s a dumb thought but really when you think of it, its a genuine question. Do you wear long sleeves or short? Do you wear something in case you feel hot? What if you are cold, what if you have to be there for a long time, how comfortably should I dress? What will happen, how long will it take, step by step what do they do to you in chemotherapy? Is it like the movies? What do you mean there’s different kinds?
When I read up on it there was so much information that I didn’t really know what to make of it. When I was scheduled for my chemo I went to chemo school the day before. I wish it had been a week before because I feel I would have been better prepared for the chemo or maybe not.
I had decided to wear a ribbon skirt to my chemo sessions. I had talked to my children and to several friends and family members. We talked about how traditional healing ceremonies have certain protocols and I decided to treat the chemo sessions like a ceremony. I would pray and go into chemo with a calm mind, with a feeling of love and acceptance. I committed to making a ribbon skirt for each one of the cycles.
Then the first cycle of chemotherapy, my husband wasn’t allowed in with me, again the pandemic dictated how all this was playing out, for my own safety and the safety of others there. I really had a moment where I felt so alone. I felt scared and confused and I really didn’t know what was going on. I took a deep breath and I prayed again. I decided to listen to a song one of my uncles had recorded called the grandmother song. I had my eyes closed and was singing along in my mind when I realized that I did not feel alone anymore. I could feel my grandmother beside me. It made me feel better and I felt calm again.
After the chemo was finished we drove the two and a half hours home. The after affects of chemo are NOT fun, but I got through it. Just as I got through all the rest of the chemotherapy cycles. I tried to carry the ideas of ahkameyimok and kiyam with me through each cycle and each experience. Ahkameyimok is the idea of to keep going and not giving up, at least that’s my understanding of it. It wasn’t always easy and a couple of times I had to wave a white flag because I felt totally done. My family and friends would encourage me and cheer me on. My husband would remind me each day is new and a bit bettering. My understanding of kiyam is the idea of letting things go that are not good for you and understanding that it’s going to be alright. For instance when you can’t control something you let go of that need to control it and allow yourself to know in the end it will be alright, that what’s meant to be will be.
I’m blessed to have some wonderful people in my life and I am so grateful to them. They listened when I was down, they encouraged me when I needed it, they helped me when I couldn’t do something, they prayed and went to ceremony for me. They are a gift in my life. They helped me through this unexpected battle and reminded me to have hope. I was stronger because of the people in my life. They all gave me hope and trust. They helped to live by ahkameyimok and kiyam.
Hope is a powerful ally, I had so much of it. I was continually encouraged and felt so much better because of my cheerleaders and encouragers. In all that has happened since April 1st; the diagnosis, surgery, 6 chemo cycles and of course the pandemic, I am still here. The cancer is in remission and I am continuing to walk this beautiful journey. I have hope and am at peace. Ahkameyimok
A letter to my children
You amaze me. You have grown into the most amazing, independent and strong adults. You show compassion to others. You respect the world around you. You value life and the lives of others. You know that sometimes people walk in pain and sorrow and I see the kindness you show to them. You walk with love in your heart and show that love to others. It gives me comfort to know that you will always know love because you are so loved.
You should know that some day when I’m gone, my love will always surround you. It will be there in the kindness you show others. It will be there when you appreciate the beauty of the earth; it will be there when you show respect to others. Most of all, my love for you will be there as you teach your children to be the same amazing people that you are.
Each smile, each moment of laughter, each moment of amazement that you experience with your child; know that the love you feel for them is the same love I feel for you. That love never changes, never dies, and is never diminished by distance or time. Love is infinite. So always know that I love you beyond measure and beyond time. I am proud that you chose me to be your mother.
Love you now and always. ❤
Healing
This painting represents how imposing blue quills has been on my family. There is a lot of intergenerational trauma because of it. This place caused a lot of physical, emotional and spiritual pain for my family. My dad and all his siblings attended there. My mosom (grandfather) and his siblings attended there. My Chapan, great grandfather he was fortunate enough to not have to go to residential school. However he did have the experience of losing his father at a young age, when his father was murdered during the 1885 northwest rebellion . (That’s another story)
This painting came to me one night while I was thinking about the impact that residential school had on my family.
The flowers are growing over the photos and bringing healing and change. The photo of blue quills is large because it had a huge impact. It’s not covered because it will never go away.
The smudge and eagle feather are clearing away the pain through reconnection to culture.
The photos are of my dad and his siblings. Each one of the flowers represents someone in my family. The purple ones are my dad and his siblings. The yellow ones represent myself and my siblings that’s why there are 5 of them. The orange ones are my parents grandchildren. The pink dots represent all of my cousins. The berries represent change and new growth. The sage also represents growth through healing. The background colours are there because of how this painting came to me.
Cancer
I don’t like being sick or unwell. How long will I have to feel this way? The pain is great, I need tests. The fear arises.
Fear arises, questions begin. Is this more than I can handle? What’s going on within? I breathe and I pray, the pain subsides.
The pain again arises and with it the fear. What does this mean? When will I know? What’s wrong with me? Oh, that’s the anxiety.
Fear arises, the diagnosis comes….. cancer…. need I say more? Fear takes hold. What does this mean? Fear arises… death? More pain? Suffering? Fear arises
I breathe, I pray
I breathe, I pray
I feel calm, I feel peace.
I breathe, I pray, I breathe. I breathe, I feel peace. I feel more calm settle over me. I breathe, I feel that all will be okay. Assurance arises. I breath, I pray
Fear subsides, becomes diminished. Hope arises.
Hope arises
Hope arises
I continue to breathe and pray. Hope arises.
Sakaw Iskwew 