Tag: #indigenous

A Journey

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There is a great sadness within the people. This sadness is deep inside and though one may be happy there is still and unexplained sadness that over takes them. It is somehow diagnosed in the western world as depression but I think it is more than that. It is grief. This grief is profoundly deep. The wounds cut like a knife, it is a peoples grief.

This grief transcends time and experience. It is unknowingly passed down through the generations. We see it in the young people today. It is expressed through anger, gangs and violence. The young people have suffered a loss but are so unfamiliar with traditions that they do not know what they grieve for.

We do not provide tools to the young people because many of us do not know that we too are grieving. Grief in its classical description points to a profound and significant loss in ones life.

This loss is a loss of culture but is also more that cultural experiences. It is a profound loss of spirituality. It is the connection to spirit, to the Creator. This profound form of alienation has created a separation of the spiritual self from the physical self. It has caused the separation from the ability to grieve and recover. Elders tell you to pray. This is the first step in reconnection with self in the spiritual aspect.

It has been said by many different people of many different belief systems that prayer is a powerful thing. That connection to the Creator allows you to begin your journey home.

When you pray you begin to adopt a feeling/attitude of respect. This is because you know you are praying to someone who is greater than you. You acknowledge that you are unable to change things on your own and you know that you need the assistance of a being greater that you. The grandmothers and the grandfathers in that spiritual sense would be angels, beings that connect you to the Creator.

When you ask for help and guidance you begin to change how you react. Your respect in prayer translates to your life. You begin to show respect to others as well as yourself. This respect further translates to respect for the earth, who is likened to a mother because she provides for all her children, human and animal. Once this aspect of respect is received and learned the grieving process is started. Healing begins ad you are open to other lessons.

The sadness begins to lift. As you start your journey towards healing you begin to realize that the Creator has provided these experiences to you for a reason. You begin to realize that in every experience there is a lesson. It is simply finding it. Humility, thankfulness, love, compassion, all these experiences are then brought forward. The profound sadness that once touched your life, the sadness that you couldn’t explain, lifts. It sounds easier that it actually is because there are other processes involved too. There is forgiveness and letting go. This does not mean that you forget, it simply means that you treat others, who may have done wrong to you, with respect and love.

If you continue to hold anger and hate or unforgiveness in your heart it will continue to eat away at your spirit. Your spirit/soul will suffer. You will believe that only bad things happen and that there is no love for you. The Creator loves all the children, the Creator forgives mistakes and wrongs. If you approach this life you have been given with love then situations will become easier to deal with.

First is respect second is love, you cannot have love without also having respect. With love and forgiveness comes compassion. When someone deliberately tries to hurt you, you are able to recognize that their soul/spirit is in pain. Their pain is as profound as yours once was. Therefore you treat them with respect, love and compassion. They will see that you have a new perspective and are able to treat them in a way that is right and honest.

Your honesty may not be appreciated, depending on the depth of their pain. They maybe able to appreciate that you do not want anything, that you are not trying to manipulate the, that you are really and truly respecting them or they may not. Do not allow this to discourage you. Your living in truth. This truth is for your peace and balance and harmony not theirs. Your forgiveness is not conditional, it is for your own peace of mind. Bringing peace to yourself is a way to bring forgiveness to yourself as well as forgiveness to others.

The sadness may never be gone. In truth it may always be with you but it becomes a different kind of sadness. It is a sadness that you watch others still struggling with their pain. Pain is very powerful. It can rule a persons life for many years without them even realizing it. Out of pain violence is manifested, the pain of hurt, fear and anger. They feed the pain by allowing hate and anger to consume them. They numb their pain by self-medicating through addictions be it drugs or alcohol or lifestyles, they really don’t want to live.

To release the pain in their life you muse confront it with love and respect. These experiences have brought you to this place. It is up to you to choose where you will journey next. The Creator has given us freedom of choice. You can choose love or you can choose hate.

Freedom from the pain is through the acknowledgement of the loss. It is understanding your grief. Your loss is your experience, you can own it, listen to the truth of your loss. Speak to it, this sometimes means sharing your grief with others, sometimes it is through self-reflection ad meditation. It is your journey and only you can decide where to go.

We remember

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We remember when we used to walk free to gather medicines, hunt for food, have our ceremonies and raise our families.

We remember.

We remember when we were asked to share the places where we walked free as a nation, where our ancestors walked before.

We remember.

We remember when freedom was taken, and we were confined.

We remember.

We remember when our children were taken and we had to have permission to visit them.

We remember.

We remember when after we were confined we needed permission to pick berries, gather medicines, hunt for food and practice traditions.

We remember.

We remember these things, we know how it impacts us. We remember. Now it’s time you learn our history, our losses and acknowledge your gain. We remember, you should too.

We remember.

Truth and Reconciliation

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Generational Healing

I paint as an expression of what I feel that I cannot always explain with words. Sometimes these paintings come to me very clearly as this one did. I had been thinking about how much my family has been impacted by residential schools, how colonization has affected us and how these things are passed on generationally.

This painting represents how imposing blue quills has been on my family. There is a lot of intergenerational trauma because of it. We had multiple generations of family members attend this s hool.

Flowers represent medicines to me. The flowers are growing over the photos and bringing healing and change. Medicine comes in many forms.

The photo of blue quills is large because it had a huge impact. It’s not covered because it will never go away.

The smudge and eagle feather are clearing away the pain through reconnection to culture. Culture is medicine.

Each one of the flowers represents someone in my family. The purple ones are my dad and his siblings. The yellow ones represent myself and my siblings that’s why there are 5 of them. The orange ones are my parents grandchildren. The pink dots represent all of my cousins. The berries represent change and new growth. The sage also represents growth through healing. There are two photos of my family members as youth when they would’ve been in Blue Quills Indian Residential school

The background colours are there because of how this painting came me. Red is understood to be connected to healing, it is also understood to be the only colour that spirits can see.

Overall the painting is like a prayer for healing, separating my family from the school and the impact it’s trauma created.

It runs in the family

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It runs in the family, terrible words to repeat but they need repeating. I knew that my dad’s sister, my aunt died from breast cancer. I knew his other sister had some kind of cancer and that she passed from it. I knew several of my cousins had cancer and passed from it and I knew that several of my dad’s cousins also had various cancers. That’s one side.

My mum’s mother, my grandmother had some kind of abdominal cancer that she died from before I was born. My mum had several aunts and cousins that also died from various abdominal cancers. My mum and her twin sister both survived colon cancer. Several of my cousins on my mum’s side have struggled  fought and survived cancer.

It runs in the family.

When you hear that you start to look at how many people in the family have had cancer. I knew these things and yet I hadn’t thought about it until I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  When I really looked at it, it kind of felt inevitable.  It runs in the family sounds like it’s fatal. It sounds like a bad thing. It forgets all the positives that exist too.

So what I’ve decided “it runs in the family” is going to mean to me is not something negative or awful or fatal.

Strength Sohkatisiwin

Strength is runs in the family. We’ve endured a lot of difficulty,  we’ve persevered and continued.

Hope Pakoseyimowin

Hope runs in the family. We keep going, we continue to fight, we keep trying.

Love Sâkihitowin

Love it runs in the family. We support each other. We are there for each other, we may disagree, we may live far from each other but our love is always there.

It runs in the family is all about how you choose to see what runs in the family. Yes our family has cancer but we also have strength, hope, love and we continue.

Ahkamēyimok, perseverance it runs in the family.

Hope

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Finding light in the dark

HOPE.

That little light far off in the distance.

HOPE.

The light in the night sky.

HOPE.

I need to move towards it. That’s my hope.

It’s very dark.

My hope is a beacon in this darkness. I move closer still. My hope is getting brighter.

The darkness still surrounds. Yet I still see that light.

It burns brighter and whispers “I am here”

Hope

I move closer, I’m trying to reach out, trying to grasp a hold of the light in the darkness.

I hope.

Hope tells me “you are not alone” – Hope says “I am here. “

Suddenly, I realize that the light isn’t far away. Suddenly, I realize that the light was always with me. I just didn’t know that the light was always shining within me.

HOPE

Hope shines and it radiates out. It is light. The darkness is diminished. Hope is bright and it radiates from me.

Hope is love. I grasp a hold of my hope.

HOPE

Reflections on Grief and the Journey to Ones True Self

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There is sadness within the people. This is deep inside and even though one maybe happy there is still an unexplained sadness that over takes them. It is sometimes diagnosed in the western world as depression but I think it is more that that. It is grief. This grief is profoundly deep. The wounds cut like a knife; it is a people’s grief.

This grief transcends time and experience. It is unknowingly passed down through the generations. We see it in the young people today. It is expressed through anger, gangs, and violence. The young people have suffered a loss but they are so unfamiliar with traditions that they do not know for what they grieve. We do not provide the tools to the young people because many of us do not know that we too are grieving.

Grief in its classical description points to a profound and significant loss in ones life. This loss would be a loss of culture but is also more than cultural experiences. It is a profound loss of spirituality. It is the connection to the spirit, to the Creator. This profound form of alienation has created a separation of the spiritual self from the physical self. It has caused the separation from the ability to grieve and recover. Elders will tell you to pray. This is the first step in reconnecting with self in the spiritual aspect.

It has been said by many different people of many different belief systems, that prayer is a powerful thing. That connection to the Creator allows you to begin your journey home.

When you pray you begin to adopt a feeling/attitude of respect. This is because you are praying to someone who is greater than you. You acknowledge that you are unable to change things on your own and you know that you need the assistance of a being greater than you. The Grandfathers and the Grandmothers in that spiritual sense would be Angels; beings that connect you to the Creator. When you ask for help and guidance you begin to change how you react.  Your respect in prayer translates to your life. You begin to show respect to others as well as yourself. This respect further translates to respect for the earth who is liked to a mother because she provides for all her children, human and animal.  Once this aspect of respect is recovered and learned the grieving process is started. Healing begins, and you are open to other lessons. 

The sadness begins to lift. As you start your journey towards healing you begin to realize that the Creator has provided these experiences to you for a reason. You begin to realize that in every experience there is a lesson. It is simply finding it. Humility, thankfulness, love, compassion; all these experiences are brought forward. The profound sadness that once touched your life, the sadness that you couldn’t explain lifts. It sounds easier than it actually is because there are other processes involved too. There is forgiveness and letting go. This does not mean that you forget, it simply means that you treat others who may have done wrong to you with respect and love. If you continue to hold anger, hate (unforgiveness) in your heart it will continue to eat away at your spirit. Your spirit (soul) will suffer. You will believe that only bad things happen and that there is no love for you. The Creator loves all the children; the Creator forgives mistakes and wrongs. If you approach this life you have been given with love then situations will become easier to deal with.

First is respect, second is love. You cannot have love without also having respect. With love and forgiveness comes compassion. When someone deliberately tries to hurt you, you are able to recognise that his or her soul/spirit is in pain. Their pain is profound as yours once was. Therefore you treat them with respect, love and compassion. They will see that you have a new perspective and are able to treat them is a way that is right and honest. Your honesty may not be appreciated, depending on the depth of their pain. They may not be able to appreciate that you do not want anything, that you are not trying to manipulate them, that you are really and truly respecting them. Do not allow this to discourage you. You are living in truth. This truth is for your peace and balance and harmony not theirs. Your forgiveness is not conditional; it is for your own peace of mind.  Bringing peace to yourself is a way to bring forgiveness to yourself as well as forgiveness to others.

The sadness may never be gone. In truth it may always be with you but it becomes a different kind of sadness. It is a sadness that you watch others still struggling with their pain. Pain is very powerful. It can rule a person’s life for many years without them even realizing it. You feed your pain by allowing hate and anger to consume you. You numb your pain by self-medicating through addictions be it drug, alcohol or lifestyles that you really don’t want to live. To release the pain, you must confront it with love and respect. These experiences have brought you to this place. It is up to you to choose where you will journey next. The Creator has given us this freedom of choice. You can choose love or you can choose hate. Freedom from the pain is through the acknowledgement of your loss. It is understanding your grief. Listen to the truth of your loss, speak to it, this sometimes means sharing your grief with others, sometimes it is through self-reflection and meditation. It is your journey and only you can decide where to go. 

Madeline Belanger, March 2007 ©

Nista Mina

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I wish I could speak my language. I know words but not conversations. I hear words I recognize but cannot understand. Some words come to me.

Pikiskwe – speak

Astum ota – come here

Awas – go away

Mitsoh – eat

I know words and sometimes I hear answers in my mind…

Tansi -namoyananto ekwa kiya

…but my mind says “I’m fine, how about you?”

Someone gives me something, my mind says ay-aye but I answer in English and say thank-you.

Kekeway oma? What is this?

I have lost my words. I have lost my conversations and now only in my mind I speak.

Silence

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Silence,

It is deafening in its stillness and quiet

Kista?

Awina?

Neya.

I am silent.

I am mute.

What do I say?

These words are lost to me.
These words I should know.
Tapwe.

I should be able to speak but I am silenced.

The nuns and the priests they took away the language.

I heard it in my youth.

My father’s first language. He learned not to speak and to remain silent.

It is spoken to others, who also spoke…those not totally mute, not totally silenced but still they did not speak it to me. I am silenced.

Sometimes words want to come, not lots of words only some. Then fear takes hold and they go away.

I do not know enough language to get by.
I know a few words but still fear gets in the way so I remain mute.

Silenced.

The silence is deafening in its stillness and quiet.

Thanks to that school I am silent. I am mute.

Walking

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I am walking, feeling the rhythm, I hear the distant beat of drums. They call to me, telling me to come home.

I try to find my way, I stumble and fall, I rise and follow the sound, growing stronger like a heartbeat. I hear the voices of my ancestors calling me, “Nosim, you will be ok, granddaughter do not be afraid, you will find the way.” 

I walk closer to the earth, feeling more grounded and connected as I stand barefoot on the earth. I search, sometimes stumbling as my walk gets closer. I feel the heartbeat of the earth as I walk under the sky. I know that Creator is showing me the way. I am walking back to myself, back home, finding comfort in the old ways. 

Ceremony calls. I let go of my pain. I let go of my fear. I am walking a new yet old road.

I am walking, feeling the rhythm, I hear the not so distant beat of drums. They call to me, telling me I am home.