I paint as an expression of what I feel that I cannot always explain with words. Sometimes these paintings come to me very clearly as this one did. I had been thinking about how much my family has been impacted by residential schools, how colonization has affected us and how these things are passed on generationally.
This painting represents how imposing blue quills has been on my family. There is a lot of intergenerational trauma because of it. We had multiple generations of family members attend this s hool.
Flowers represent medicines to me. The flowers are growing over the photos and bringing healing and change. Medicine comes in many forms.
The photo of blue quills is large because it had a huge impact. It’s not covered because it will never go away.
The smudge and eagle feather are clearing away the pain through reconnection to culture. Culture is medicine.
Each one of the flowers represents someone in my family. The purple ones are my dad and his siblings. The yellow ones represent myself and my siblings that’s why there are 5 of them. The orange ones are my parents grandchildren. The pink dots represent all of my cousins. The berries represent change and new growth. The sage also represents growth through healing. There are two photos of my family members as youth when they would’ve been in Blue Quills Indian Residential school
The background colours are there because of how this painting came me. Red is understood to be connected to healing, it is also understood to be the only colour that spirits can see.
Overall the painting is like a prayer for healing, separating my family from the school and the impact it’s trauma created.
The longest journey I took was the one to find hope. The longest journey is the one that I take as I try to remove myself from fear and depression. The longest journey is now as I stumble in the dark.
The longest journey is the one I travel from my mind to find the truth. The longest journey is to find the comfort of my heart.
The longest journey is mired in fear and darkness as I look for the light. The longest journey is the suffering and experience that comes before I rediscover the light.
The longest journey was realizing that I had been walking with my eyes closed. Upon that realization I opened my eyes and learned that hope was always within my reach, for there was always light on my journey.
The broken bowl, the idea is that we are all similar to bowls, we carry around with us the experiences of our lives and somehow we are able to put ourselves back together. This doesn’t always happen right away but it does happen. It is a process that we sometimes need help with and sometimes we are able to do this ourselves. I had thought of doing this project previously but had not stopped to take the time to gather what I needed. When my supervisor asked me if I would help her with it I thought that it was a good chance to try it out.
As we sat at the board room table painting the gesso on the bowls I was contemplating. I considered what I would put on the bowl, what would it reflect about my grief and loss. I thought about how my parents had separated when I was in grade 7. I thought about the addictions and violence that was in my childhood home prior to their separation. I thought about all the people that I loved and had since lost over time. All these experiences contributed to who I am, they have made me the person that I am and shaped the destiny that I have followed. I put these thoughts aside for a bit while I went back to my regular work day but I felt unsettled. I went online and looked at some quotes on grief and loss. Some were so depressing and some were way to “I shall overcome”. These experiences sat with me while I ran a group for self esteem and I continued to feel as though I needed to let go of some of the thoughts. I was glad to be able to start the project. I knew what I wanted to start with.
When I went to break the bowl and I had a difficult time to do this. I didn’t want to many shattered pieces; it was as though I didn’t want to have as many broken pieces of the bowl as there might actually be in my life. I also felt guilty breaking the bowl as it did represented part of me, I asked my husband to do it for me. I had to explain the idea behind the bowl and as always he helped me. I brought it back to the office to begin this process. I placed all the pieces out on the table and contemplated. Then I decided that the place where the bowl had been broken was similar to my heart. So I decided to paint a red heart around the hole. This was the start of a several hour process. I then decided that I wanted blue sparkle paint over the top of the heart and black sparkle paint at the bottom. The reason for the sparkles, without the darkness there is no light. The reason for the blue above is because when I feel sad I go outside, turn my face towards the sun, close my eyes and look up. The sky makes me remember that there is light when there is darkness.
Next I drew. I decided that it would be easier to draw what I wanted to paint. I decided at that point to draw like I was a little kid. So I drew my family. I drew my mom between two of the broken pieces because my mom was always trying to keep us together. It didn’t always work and if the power of love and her will could have kept us all ok, it would have.
I drew all of us holding hands because we always went everywhere together. Sometimes as kids we hated that, there were 5 of us kids and we all received the same amount, no one ever really got anything more than the other. We even used to divide a box of smarties between all of us and any extra went to my parents. I put my dad on the other side of us kids because of the separation and his leaving. On the same side as my dad I drew a house. We lived in a trailer that had green stripes on it.
We lived in Kikino Metis Settlement, so I drew trees because we were always climbing trees and outside exploring. I also drew the river because in the summer we would go swimming in the river almost every day with all the other kids on our road.
When I painted the sun it was high in the sky but underneath the storm clouds is a sunset because everything changed and my life living out of town and being free to roam around ended when my parents separated. The sunset is attached to the black because I thought I would never get over losing my home, the land that I used to run barefoot on and the freedom that I had.
My family continued to change and that broke my heart. It was like there was a huge hole in my heart and I thought everyone who met me could tell just by looking at me. I turned inside myself for a long time. It then felt strange to glue the bowl together again. It felt like I should be able to make it look the same and hide the cracks but I couldn’t. Then I remembered that my experience created who I am and it doesn’t define me. Its just a part of me.
Once it was time to paint the inside of my bowl this too was hard to decide what to do. There was a huge hole in the side of the bowl. I tried filling it with some of the pieces from the bowl and while it covered it up it didn’t change the fact that there was a gaping hole in the bowl. Then I saw a heart that I had been given by a stranger at the truth and reconciliation event in Edmonton. I decided that I would put that on the hole. This heart said compassion. I thought it was a reflection of how other people have helped me to heal and move forward as well as a reflection of self-care. So I glued it over the hole. I’m not perfect, I have healed some of my emotional pains but it will always be something that stays with me. I painted the inside of the bowl black and then turquoise. I then decided that although the cracks will always be there I have learned some things about myself and being resilient so I decided that I would use sparkle glue to make the cracks stand out but they are the same colour as the paint so its really only if you look closely will you have the benefit of seeing the beauty that comes from the breaks.
Finally I put 4 quotes into the inside of my bowl. These quotes both remind and encourage me. The first is written on the black teardrop in the center of the bowl. It says “The darkest of nights produces the brightest stars.” Again to remind me that even in the darkness I can shine. The next quote is “Sometimes in tragedy we find our life’s purpose.” This is because I became a counselor because of my experiences and I try to help others with theirs. The third is “It is perfectly okay to admit you’re not okay” This is to remind me that I also have to take care of myself. The last quote is personal and a quote by someone named John Graham. It says “I survived because the fire inside of me burned brighter that the fire around me.” This is to always remind me that I am alright and that I can be alright. In all the difficult situations that have happened in my life, I have walked through the other side.
Sakaw Iskwew 